Published in The Bunion

Taylor Spaulding was reported missing last Friday by his family when he failed to return home from what was expected to be a short trip to Monterey Market. The classics professor and recumbent bicycle enthusiast was found five hours later by Berkeley Police Lieutenant Curtis McGee behind the wheel of his idling Toyota Prius at the corner of Hopkins and Monterey, along with three other drivers.

By the time Lt. McGee happened upon the scene, the drivers had been stuck at the intersection for hours. “While rare, this does happen, and more than you would think,” said Lt. McGee of the four cars seemingly stuck at the four-way stop. “Four cars approach the intersection at the exact same time, and no one can figure out who has the right-of-way. In most cases, one of the drivers will eventually get tired of waiting and just go. These drivers are usually from out of town, or driving a BMW. In this case all four drivers were Berkeley residents, and all four cars were Priuses. This is just a recipe for disaster.”

According to Josephine Fairlawn, professor of psychology at UC Berkeley, this phenomenon can occur in areas with highly educated populations with progressive political views. “The situation arises,” Dr. Fairlawn says, “when the brain’s pre-frontal cortex, the area responsible for abstract thought and compassion, becomes overloaded and begins annexing lower functioning areas of the brain, such as the cerebellum. When this happens, the more mundane brain functions such as executive functioning suffer, and in extreme cases can cease all together.”

Dr. Fairlawn further explained that “when a population is overburdened with advanced academic degrees, the odds increase that multiple individuals with little-to-no executive functioning capacity will converge. This can result in a phenomenon known in the literature as a ‘Berkeley Standoff’”.

When contacted at his home, Professor Spaulding explained, “as I rolled up to the intersection, I was listening to a lively discussion on NPR about import tariffs and their effect on indigenous workers in the Peruvian fig cultivation industry. I guess I lost track of the time.”